(I want to give a content warning in this one for brief discussions of mental health challenges and depressive episodes. Take care of yourself.)
For the last couple of years, I’ve had this ritual of jotting down in my diary what I felt the state of my mental health was for the day. I started it out of curiosity, to see if I could notice any patterns with my anxiety disorder and depressive episodes, and to also track how/if my mental health aligns with the phases of the moon and other astrological transits. In doing this ritual, I created a little shorthand to help me quickly reflect on and write down the state of my mental health that day: good MHD, so-so MHD, or hard MHD (MHD being ‘mental health day’)1.
It’s something I try not to psychoanalyze myself about too much. It’s just really fascinating to see how my emotional landscape waxes and wanes, how (and when) I’ll have these periods of emotional/mental stability for stretches longer than I thought possible, or, on the flip side, how (and when) I’ll have a season of prolonged sadness or anguish.
In May and June of this year, I had a lot of ‘good MHDs’ which makes sense. Summer was just beginning, the sun was finally out in full force, and I was at the height of being in love with a new love. When I look back at this month, I’ve written ‘so-so MHD’ on most days. That isn’t to say that July was a so-so month. It was alive with rich experiences and moments that reminded me of my capacity to feel (and enjoy) deeply. When it came to my mental health, though, I often felt like I was struggling to stay afloat in the choppy waters of grief, apathy, and trauma responses.
I processed a lot of loss this month. I reconnected with family I hadn’t seen in almost two years. I got clarity about and let go of relationships that I’d been trying to salvage on my own. I had really great sex. I cried a lot (after having really great sex—more on this below). I returned to my old home and confronted the ghosts of my depression there. I laughed the hardest I think I’ve laughed so far this year. I dissociated the worst I’ve ever experienced. I resurrected old armor so that I could feel some comfortable familiarity in the midst of heartbreak. I shrugged off old armor and remembered my softness again.
I lived a lot of lives this month, not all of them pleasant, and I did my best to stay as present to them and myself as much as I possibly could.
Here are some moments that soothed and awakened my senses in July.