Amidst terrifying and destabilizing personal change, while watching the world burn in just the same but brand new ways, I’ve been trying my best to stay in my body.
I’m doing this with the help of breath. When I feel my thoughts beginning to spiral downward into unsavory places, it’s now a habit for me to take two deep breaths and exhale them dramatically—and it must be dramatic because when my loves are in earshot of it, they often remark on how much character each sigh has. I like to imagine that each sigh carries in it the charge and chaos of my thoughts; I don’t want that shit to stay in my body. Sighing it out has become a delicious ritual lately.
Other things that have been helping me stay in my body: sitting in the sun; sticking my fingers in hot compost; kissing my lovers; savoring the taste of lemongrass tea and chicken congee and icebox cake; listening to music that stirs memories in me and creates new sensual associations; actually standing up for myself and not just at the last moment; enjoying the sensation of fall in my nostrils.
I’ve also been trying my best to stay in love. That’s been hard. Love often gets drowned out by other feelings: anxiety, insecurity, sadness, fear. Not that I need to stay in love all the time; I always aim to stay with the stickier emotions. They deserve just as much dignity as love does. But I tend to feel more at home with those emotions than with love. I’ve been thinking a lot about love being a verb and all the ways I use my body to convey it. I’m trying to show up and embody love even as I can sometimes forget to be in my body.
The songs I picked for this month’s playlist are a perfect snapshot of what I’ve been moving through and in this month. On this one, I’ve got Japanese Breakfast, Blonde Redhead, Sufjan Stevens, Yves Tumor, and Vince Guaraldi. If you’re a paid subscriber (thank you so much for being here!) you’ll find the playlist below. If you’ve joined Big Time Sensuality at the free tier and want to enjoy October’s playlist and other sharings soon to come, become a paid subscriber to support the labor of love I do here.
I hope you enjoy :)