July, so far, has had me deep in my feelings and I blame astrology—Venus is near retrograding, I’m currently having my Mars return, and it’s Cancer season (my moon is in Cancer). I know some people don’t “believe” in astrology; I used to not get it either. But over the years I’ve found it helpful to look to and source the cosmos, something way greater than myself, to make sense (and meaning) of what’s currently happening in the micro and macro of my world, especially when I feel unmoored and uncertain.
When I’m feeling this out of sorts and I can track certain astrological transits that hit on what I’m experiencing, suddenly none of this—heartbreak, creative/career crisis, relationship dysregulation—feels quite so personal. I can zoom out and feel my own smallness, my own utter insignificance as a tiny speck in the vast universe that’s at the mercy of inconceivably gargantuan planets whose invisible currents swirl around me, orchestrating change and ocean currents. For someone who hates being out of control, who hates not knowing, all of that strangely comforts me.
It comforts me because through astrology and moon cycles, I have learned how to embody change, “the only constant”, and to remember the impermanence of everything—including this season I’m in of grief and transition. Knowing that Leo season, for instance, is just around the corner has been a balm for me. My intention is to use up every last ounce of what these astrological times are bringing up for me—to sob and thrash and emote and clarify—so that when things shift, as they always do, I can show up to the new season emptied out and clearer.
I’ve cried a lot this month. I’ve been moody and sullen and hard. I get like this when I feel overwhelmed with my thoughts and emotions, when things are happening too fast. I shut myself off from others not as a way to punish them (or myself) but to try to find containment during a time when so much is being felt and wanting to be expressed. I close myself off to protect myself and others from just how big my feelings are. If I let myself feel to the bottom of my grief, I could drown the whole world. If I allowed myself to go to the depths of my rage, I could burn down everything that stands. If I gave every anxious thought I have the space to roam free, I would destroy myself. So I’ve been keeping it all contained, staying couth, staying within the bounds of what I and others can handle.
Because of all of that, when I was creating this month’s playlist, I did the very best I could to not fill it with the saddest, most lovelorn and love-spurned songs but some made it on there anyway—because, Cancer season. There is Nightmares on Wax, Tame Impala, Nick Hakim, Washed Out, and Destiny’s Child on this one.
If you’re a paid subscriber (hi cutie, thank you for being here) you’ll find the playlist below. If you’ve joined Big Time Sensuality at the free tier and want to enjoy July’s playlist and other sharings soon to come, become a paid subscriber to support the labor of love I do here.
May this playlist help you transmute your own big feelings. May you and I both find comfort and lightness during a time that feels heavy with sadness, disappointment, and frustration. May you and I both not abandon ourselves as we choose to contain our holy emotions.