april's playlist + feels

it's not meant to be a strife

April so far has been a month of a lot of emotions and as I write this, I feel a bit all over the place with them. As things continue to progress with my new love, strong feelings are terraforming in my mind and body. There is desire and excitement and pleasure, but there is also hope and Black joy and glistening possibility of what we’re building together.

I’m experiencing much of my own aliveness through this new connection and I’ve been tracking how that aliveness feels in my body: the race of my heart; a shiver of pleasure down my spine; a laugh seeded and sprouted at the pit of my belly; the full-body buzz of knowing that someone is thinking about me, loving me.

Happening at the same time as all these cute alive feelings are the not-so-cute alive feelings: fear, doubting my feelings, hypervigilance around my What Ifs. I’m finding that as quickly as I can reach these sensual high highs, I can also plummet to new low lows, usually dictated by my mind.

I’ve been processing a lot (too much, to be honest) and I’m feeling the toll that it is taking on my body, the fatigue that I feel as I oscillate between different spectrums of aliveness. Fear and self-doubt and grief are their own form of aliveness too and I’m tracking how that feels in my body too: my heart closing and trying to reharden; a breath held in my constricted throat; the vertigo of uncertainty.

This playlist is a little head nod to all of the emotions swirling around in my body at the moment, ranging from love to longing to playfulness to sadness to surrender. Some artists on this one: Thundercat, Anna Wise, Stereolab, Fiona Apple, and Yusef Lateef. If you’re a paid subscriber (thank you so much!) you’ll find the playlist below. If you’ve joined Big Time Sensuality at the free tier and want to enjoy April’s playlist, consider becoming a paid subscriber to support the labor of love I do here.

I hope you enjoy this one. :)