They say April showers bring May flowers. I’m curious about what seeds my tears have been watering this month, what new things are being cultivated in the darkness of this moment, what feels ready to bloom after so much stormy change.
I often go in and out of fearing change. When change is hard, it feels like I am losing myself, like I’m becoming less of what I know. Not being able to recognize myself or the shape my life is morphing into can be quite nerve-wracking. But this month, I’ve been able to access a different perspective—that change isn’t just about loss, it’s about becoming. Who will I become at the end of this season? How much more me will I be? Those questions don’t daunt me. I’m eager to find out what’s on the other side after the shifting has settled.
And god, how I want to be on the other side.
April has been a month of both quick processing time and very slow fulfillment.1 I have felt that paradox viscerally in my body. I’ve been rather restless this month, feeling like I’m waiting in line for the next phase of my life to begin. It’s been hard to be still. I haven’t been moving as slowly as I should be, haven’t been taking enough mindful breaths. I’ve been letting my anxiety dictate the pace of my actions and sometimes that pace has looked like me being completely immobile, in a total freeze response.
I’m noticing that when I’m feeling impatient, I’m not in my body. I’m projecting myself into the future. And I think that’s why the experience of waiting can feel so frustrating: it’s kind of painful—or at least that’s how it feels for me. My jaw clenches. My breathing becomes shallow. My eyes feel like they are almost bugging out of their sockets, looking ahead, anxiously anticipating forward movement. Having more of a somatic awareness about what impatience feels like in my body has given me some interesting information.2 It’s also made me want to change my response to impatience, to get more comfortable with waiting, with not-knowing.
As the month continues, I want to trust the seeds I’m watering. I want to trust the timing of my own blossoming. I want to slow down enough to feel myself and what is around me and when I do, I want to really enjoy the sensation of being connected and present.
This month’s playlist encapuslates what I’ve been thinking about lately about patience, self-transformation, and endings. On it, there’s songs from Kelela, Sade, Arrangement, and The Postal Service. If you’re a paid subscriber (so much love for you!) you’ll find the playlist below. If you’ve joined Big Time Sensuality at the free tier and want to enjoy this month’s playlist and other sharings soon to come, become a paid subscriber to support the labor of love I do here.